Give Your “Yes” Freely. Or Don’t Give it at All.

Last week in session, I had this epiphany—this great quote. What I said was, “Give your “yes” freely” or don’t give it at all.” 

This is basically the whole premise behind Your Decision Diva; I help you learn when your “yes” really means “yes”—and when your “yes” needs to not be a “yes”.

This got me thinking about compromise; because that’s what’s coming up with a lot of my clients in my sessions. They say, “Well, Vickey, relationships are supposed to be about compromise.”

And they are, that’s 100% true. My point is: don’t give the compromise and say “yes” if you’re only doing it to get your partner to do it later. That’s not giving it freely. That’s a string attached. 

“Well I did it, so you have to do it.” You would be (well, maybe you wouldn’t be surprised) by how many times I hear that in my sessions. 

“Well, I do it and my partner doesn’t.”

Don’t do it because “that’s what you’re supposed to do in relationships.” 

Because then you end up resenting your partner and yourself. Because why are you the one who’s always compromising and they never are? 

If you are the one who is always compromising, and you firmly believe that your partner isn’t, you need to get into therapy. Couples therapy.

You need backup because that’s not right. That’s not a healthy, balanced relationship. 

Sometimes I do things that Gabe doesn’t do. And, honestly? Sometimes he does things that I don’t do. That is called a “balanced relationship.” Relationships are not 50/50. They’re 80/20 some days and 20/80 on other days. Again, if the scale is always tipped against you: get into therapy, get some backup, and make some changes. 

So, how do I do this?

So stop saying yes when you don’t mean it. Give that “yes” freely, with no strings attached, or don’t give it at all

And to do that you have got to tune into YOU. You have got to be aware of what you truly are okay with and what you’re not okay with. With what you really want and what you don’t. 

And then you breathe into that. Acknowledge where you’re at and give your yes or no from there. Do not put strings on it.

Another reason you might be saying “yes” besides hoping for something in return? 

Maybe you’re trying to please people and not getting the results you hoped for because you base your self-esteem on what others think of you? (Society Based Esteem)

Even if you’re receiving that approval, it’s not great to feel like maybe people like you not for who you are, but for what you can do for them.

It’s not a good place to be. It feels icky. It fosters feelings of low self-worth, rejection, and resentment.

So how do you break out of this pattern? How do you begin to realize that you have worth because you were born, that your voice matters just as much as everyone else’s—because you stand equal to all, eye to eye and toe to toe?

Contact me to work together to get you out of this place of feeling Less Than so that you can stand in your own Center of Equality.

So that you can confidently say “no” when you want to and need to, without feeling bad about it or fearing the other person’s reaction. 

And don’t forget, you can grab my free 10-page guide to Healthy Self Esteem and Confident Decision Making here.